Brittany's wedding.

This is a nice one to start with. Obviously it is the kiss. It was such a beautiful ceremony.

Bishop Hughes was wonderful. Notice how Tyler is back some. He kept slowly edging backwards and Bishop Hughes called him on it.

Tyler as a flower girl. Brittany made the basket for her, and she loved walking up the aisle tossing rose petals.

I can't believe that my little girl is all grown up.

I think Bill looks very dashing in his new suit.

The Guys

Enos is saved!!

I couldn't do it. I told myself when the weekend came, Enos was being set free. And I couldn't do it. The only reason I was planning on dumping her was her eggs. I DO NOT want little bugs all over. Covered this in a previous post. So, I paid Cory to take the whole thing outside, put Enos in something and clean out the cage. Instead, as he was dipping the net to catch Enos, he hit the sac and it dropped right into the net. He tossed it out on the ground where Hunter obligingly stepped on it. Eww.

So, I don't have to throw a spoiled pet out into the elements. Relief. :D

4:00 am

I woke with a huge crick in my neck. My pillows were standing straight up, and my head was at an uncomfortable angle. I fixed it, and as I was dropping back to sleep, wedding stuff invaded my brain. The big one: Did we get a pianist?? Oh, my stars! How can we have a wedding with no one to play the prelude, or the processional. Do I know anyone who can do that at a moments notice?? How did something so important slip thru the cracks?? There is a scream echoing thru my head right now...

Sometime...this weekend..

So, here is Enos. And HER egg sac. Yikes. I didn't mind having a praying mantis on my desk, swiveling his head to watch me. I didn't mind hitting up Petco every few weeks for more live crickets to feed him. I did mind feeding him, and made the boys do it. :D But, when this egg sac appeared, and the vents on the top of the cage all the sudden looked huge and unable to hold back the deluge of baby mantes, and I pictured my house overrun with little green bugs, I MINDED.

The plan is to release Enos into the wild, also known as the backyard, one day this weekend. Yes, there is guilt. Have I made life too easy for this bug?? I was so thrilled when he grew from 3/4 of an inch to well over three inches long. It gives one a sense of fulfillment when your child/dog/cat/bug survive your care. He(she) is used to Manna from Heaven, or crickets dropped out of a plastic bag. Out in the yard will he be able to find food, and take care of himself?? I start to worry and get tempted to keep him, and then I see that huge, volkswagen sized egg sac, and my determination is back. Of course the sac has been there for a week now, so what am I waiting for?? I don't know.

Tomorrow is the big day!! (Does it say something about me and my priorities when I talk about bug guilt before my oldest daughter's wedding??) Brittany has put so much time and effort into this wedding. My friend reminded her that she was the bride...not the scullery maid. But, Brittany wanted things done just so...and I let her. :D I will post pics. I wanted to get pics of the set up today, but I just went to the church after getting Chan from school, and forgot the camera at home. Tomorrow I will not forget it.

I can't get it out of my head.

My child screaming in terror. The replay woke me up at three am today. Not the fun terror scream that she does on Tower of Terror, but the blood chilling scream of her thinking her life is ending. It is horrible. It is a snapshot of a moment I think will take me a long time to stop replaying over and over.

For lunch yesterday, we both wanted the leftover chicken thighs. There were only four left in the bag, perfect for two of us. These are my favorite boneless skinless thighs. The oh so versatile ones. Yum. I heated the pan, sprayed the nonstick spray, and Reba started to sing. Who would be calling at lunchtime?? With five kids....LOL. So, without thinking, I went to the desk to answer it. I came back, and the pan was smoking. Here is where I totally act like an idiot. Or maybe it was leaving the pan to heat while I left the room?? Anyway, pan smoking, and instead of turning it off to cool down, I throw the fatty, frozen thighs right in. And yep, they went up in flames. Since there was a heat source, lots of fat, and plenty of oxygen in the room, the flames were well fed. Ugh. I almost panicked, and was looking for water to douse it with. Thank goodness for the love of my Heavenly Father, for almost immediately, I saw replayed in my mind, a PSA on grease fires. I saw the fire go across the ceiling, and burn the whole kitchen down. Scary. So, instead I looked for the lid to the pan, to suffocate the fire. In my quick search, I couldn't find it, but I found the cookie sheet and threw it on the pan. Success. Iam not a clear thinker in stressful situations, so I am grateful I was not alone, and I felt the calming love He has for me.

Meanwhile, during all this (which I guess lasted a good 10 seconds or so) Tyler is in the corner of the kitchen, with her hands over her face, and just screaming. It was so heartwrenching. As soon as it was safe, I grabbed her up and we went into the living room. She was shaking she was so scared.

But, I keep seeing her in that corner, in abject terror. My poor baby.

Thanksgiving...and other nightmares.

Nah, Thanksgiving turned out great. I didn't have to host, and Karen is an awesome cook. She does not like travelling on holidays, and since I don't mind, she hosts more often than not. :D I took a salami/cheese/olive tray, with Ritz, a pumpkin cake, and the yams. She hates yams, and won't make them. I have a healthy dislike for the yams of my childhood, and only eat a bite or two. But Bill and the kids love them. I do think it is all in the preparation. But, Karen won't even taste them. No biggie, as I brought back an empty bowl anyway. It was good to see all five of her kids. With six of mine, and the grandparents and assorted spouses/SO's/and friends we had a houseful. I wish Brittany would have been there, but they went to Tyler's family's meal. No problem, but I missed her. Tyler is extremely shy, and big gatherings give him hives. :D

Nightmare one is this wedding. I couldn't sleep last night with the stress. My way of dealing with things I am not sure of is just to hide and pretend it doesn't exist. Not too good when things have to be done. But, I don't have the money for the things I need, and the wedding is two weeks from tomorrow. We are close, thanks to friends, but I will be so happy when this nightmare is over.

Nightmare two is Christmas. If I can't afford to get what I need for a wedding, how will I ever pay for gifts?

Nightmare 3 is the move we are facing. We were planning on renting Grandma's mobil home, since the doctor said she cannot live alone anymore, and Mom said the mobil would just stand empty. The original plan had been for us to move in with Grandma, and I take care of her. But, when she got so sick, and was diagnosed with congestive heart failure, Mom decided that it was time for Grandma to move in with her permanantly, and rent the house to us. Grandma got better( she had a UTI which put her in the hospital, and the infection made her dementia worse) and was more coherent, and decided she wanted to live in her house. She is determined. So, common sense would tell you what?? that we would go back to plan A, and we move in and take care of Grandma?? Nothing has changed at our end, and we are still financially desperate. But, no, Mom instead said that Karen's youngest, Emily, would move in and take care of Grandma. WHAT??!! Emily is sixteen and has a home. Again, Pam's needs are just ignored. I hate to sound like the whiny victim, but really?? It is like TG last year, when Karen had to work at the last minute because someone ended up in the hospital, and I called mom and said we would just move it to my house, and she said No, she was going to Monica's and we weren't invited. Last minute, mind you, I was running to the store to buy TG dinner for Bill and I and the kids. And nursing hurt feelings for being thrown over like that.

A friend recently asked me if I was adopted, because I am so different in my thinking from my family's. If I didn't look just like the rest of them, I would wonder.

So, we are desperately looking for somewhere to live, cheaply. The big selling point with Grandma's is there would be no deposit. We would just start paying rent in January. This has just thrown a wrench in everything.

Nightmare 4. Kailey spending time with us. I guess she felt it okay to just let her hair down or something. She snapped early and often. By the time she left I was relieved. She kept putting inappropriate things on TV and then yelling at me that she is not 10 years old. No you are not, but I will not have Tosh.O, or the Kardashians on with Cameryn and Tyler watching. I think it is a respect issue, and she just doesn't care. She stole a few things out of my room again. She was demanding of everyone. Then, the topper, was she told Bill that she had told foster mom Sonia how she hates spaghetti, because as a kid we had it three or four times a week, and always just plain, no meat. Bill was angry. He told her that I hate spaghetti (always have) and he has to beg me for it, and the only way I can tolerate is to make a meat sauce, with three pounds of hamburger, and one pound of sausage. We went years without it because I hate it so much. So, she is trying to convince Bill that this made up memory is true, and Cory pipes in from the back seat saying he remembers it. Cory is the king of false memories. And they are never good. He never says "Hey, remember when Mom let us eat candy three meals a day for a week?? or the time Dad took us to Home Depot and let us climb in the rafters?? No, it always paints us in the worst light. Cory one time said "Remember when you broke a brush spanking me, Mom??" That was a story I had told Bill one time that happened to my brother, John, and Cory adopted it as his own. So, now I scarred them with spaghetti three or four times a week.

Sometimes, I just want to quit.

Whatever you do...don't ask if it can get worse!

You'd think I would know this by now. :D Obviously not. Things are rough in the Pacheco house right now. You have heard that they are staying most foreclosures because the banks weren't letting struggling homeowners know that they might be eligible to refinance their loans. So, while they look into this, repos will stop for a period of 60-90 days. This actually means closer to six months. For those who are struggling to make their mortgage payments in this economy this is excellent news! But, for those of us who make our living off remodeling repos so the banks can sell them, it is staggering news. Things are already sluggish, and this makes it worse.

But, before things grind to a halt, the banks are pushing thru twice as many. Bill is hopping and it is false hope to think it will last. We have arrangements made in the event we have to move (which it is seriously looking that way). We hope to catch up, and maybe get a little ahead before work stops.

So, last Thursday, we went to a job in Colton. On our way home, the transmission gave up the ghost. We are flying along, and all the sudden the accelerator is useless. There is nothing. We pull over to the side of the road, and wonder what to do now?? It has been a long time since we have been stranded on the highway. We call my parents, who call Triple A, and we get us and the car home. But, now, Bill needs to use my car to go to work, leaving me with nothing. We are so broke right now that we are thinking of maybe just calling the junk man to come get Bill's car. But, it has a dang good engine, and I hate losing it, so maybe we will park it, and fix it in a few months.

The problem with this is: we live in a semi rural town. I have four kids going to four different schools. I spend an hour and a half each day doing pickups, and that is just three of them. Cameryn walks with the neighbor to the middle school which is just a few blocks away. Chandler goes across town to Temescal, Hunter at Lakeside, and Tyler up at Rice Canyon. So, this week, I have scrambled to find rides for the kids. Chandler was my biggest worry. There is no way for him to get home except to get a ride. There are two ways home, and both are really dangerous. A mixup at the school yesterday had him trying to walk home, and Mindy found him at the corner of Riverside and Collier, no crosswalks or anything, and him stressing trying to figure out how to cross. I am so grateful for friends who have helped me this week.

Meanwhile, I asked Mom if I could borrow Grandma's van for a few weeks until we could fix the Pathfinder. Grandma can no longer drive, and the van is used as backup when my mom doesn't want to put the miles on her car. She said due to family drama the last time I rented it, she couldn't let me take it again. I was alittle hurt, as I am desperate and would never ask otherwise. Plus, I have bent over backwards to help my grandparents in the last five years, and never asked for anything in return. Not really fair to pull that card, as we do service out of love, not for what we can gain, but as I said, I was hurt. Did I mention I was also desperate?? So, Grandma came back and said she would pay either for the Pathfinder to be fixed, or another pickup for Bill to have. We could pay her back later. I was so relieved by this, I almost cried. So, the Pathfinder will be ready today, or early tomorrow. I am so glad.

So, we go to an open house at the Bishop's house Saturday night, and while there, I mention to a friend "It can't get any worse!" Yeah, never say that. We got home that night, and as we were getting ready for bed, I slipped on the stairs and twisted my ankle. The pain was incredible, and my yelling brought the whole family. How embarrassing. I laid there until the pain subsided, and crawled to the couch where I have been since. It is doing a lot better, but I still can't walk on it, and I really doubt I can drive. So, my goal is to be self sufficient by Monday. Bill is not to confident with this goal, as he has seen me hobble around. It is odd that my balance is all the sudden really bad, and I have fallen on the crutches a few times. Luckily, I have been by the couch each time and just plop down. I had a blessing last night, so I hope I am better soon.